disclaimer
this post is gonna be kinda religious and from the bottom of my heart.
you can choose not to read it...
i'm not trying to get anyone's attention.
so yeah...

this morning dad did a somewhat thoughtless thing...
for some reason he's gotten naggier.
so my mum lost her temper...
grandma's not happy that we're shouting at dad.
but sometimes he's just ... argh ... =.=
as mum sat there talking.
i heard her voice break...
sometimes i wonder if they do love each other.
but i'm sure they do or i wouldn't even be here eh?
since young mum has trained me to be strong.
like whenever i got a cut/bruise/injury she'll tell me its nothing.
gradually i stopped telling her when i got injured.
till one day when i got really hurt and she scolded me.
i told her that she's the one who told me that its nothing and she kept quiet.
don't get mistaken, i do love my mum.
perhaps its just that she's brought up in a rather traditional family.
when i was young i had close to no friends.
my parents didn't allow me to go out.
i became and introvert and it was just me and my books.
this continued till when i reached secondary school.
i met my current best friend.
back then she was really not a very good influence.
we would stay out/play arcade etc...
till one day i decided to leave her company.
[she's very different now though!]
in secondary school i was extremely bad tempered and also didn't have much friends.
my results were terrible and i almost dropped to normal academic.
i did things like cutting myself.
i even stole stuff...
actually...
i almost committed suicide even.
in sec 2 eli brought me to church and i converted.
at that point of time i thought i made the world's greatest mistake.
but then going to church made me really happy as i finally found friends.
eventually my parents found out and i could openly go to church.
after i left secondary school i knew i could only go poly.
i assimilated into highlife quickly as i had learned to make friends.
at that point of time i had a goal upon entering highlife.
i wanted to make a difference and not just wait for it to happen.
my leader started talking to me about cell leadership...
something i've wanted since back in megalife.
however as i stayed longer in highlife things happened...
it seemed like whenever i liked someone something bad'll happen.
in the 1st yr i entered highlife i kinda lost a friend for 1yr and i skipped church.
eventually it seemed to me that i should never like anyone.
liking someone became too scary a thing for me.
i blamed God for everything that happened.
all i wanted was to serve him and all this had to happen to me.
actually i guess i kinda lost sight of God awhile back.
i hated acting my age cause people started to put responsibilities on me.
like how my leader did with cell leadership.
i was so hopeful that it'll happen but it didn't...
i guess my AO will never think that i'm good enough.
she'll probably see me as the one being problematic ever since i entered highlife.
plus i don't even attend cell nowadays.
i'm having problems with my current cgl as it is.
today pastor vincent talked about how God is in us.
its really so tough to believe in something we can't see.
sometimes i really really wonder if i have the faith to make it to the end.
try to figure it out logically and you'll loose your mind
deny it and you'll loose your soul
its not that i don't believe in God anymore.
i guess i've just lost sight of him along the way.
for way too long and i've just gotten too complacent.
i miss God being in my life.
i miss being on fire for him.
i don't wanna just go to church for the sake of it.
i don't want sunday to become a routine...
i miss you God.
i really do...

i'm not as strong as you think i am...
sometimes i just wish for a little TLC...